Mis Sentimientos.

Life is so complicated. Sometimes I wish I was DUMB and HAPPY. I don't understand why I'm always looking for the meaning of life, I should, instead, be LIVING LIFE. I hate that about me. And I'm so confused. You know the quote, "After a while ...you just want to be with the one who makes you smile.." Well, what do you do when that person NEVER shows up? I know i'm young and all, but STILL. There's something missing in my life and it's love. I've met guys..I mean who hasn't..but I don't like those smoking, druggy, nasty-handshake-kind-of guys..I feel as i can't make someone else happy because LOOK AT ME. I'm such a mess that I can't even make MYSELF happy..and Then I think about GOD. yeah, that man who lives in the sky and might send you to hell if you don't behave. And i think how he Knows EVERYTHING. Even my thoughts. And it scares me because I don't really think the nicest things I should be thinking. I HATE to be bossed around and told what to do. I want all the liberty of the world and I just don't have it right now. I wish I could Just RUN AWAY, for good, and to have everyone forget about me, and for me to forget about everyone too. I think everyone would be better off without me. I do cause to much trouble and i blame it on others when I don't admit the fact that IT's me. I'm the bad one. I wish i could go away forever, better yet to never have been born..I wish that everyday... And i feel bad because kids have died and here i am at the age of 16 and I don't appreciate that fact that GOD is giving me LIFE..and it's for a reason. And i know i'm here for something but I don't know what...And then i CRY. and i say i dont but i do. i CRY. i cry my eyes out and NOBODY UNDERSTANDS. I take out my frustrations on my family, and i make them unhappy as well. I ruin their life for the mere fact that They had me... And then i was watching those old homemade videos..when i was just a little baby..and how i would kiss my grandpa and then flinch because of his beard..i miss him..and he sees me .. I feel him..around me everyday..i was such a happy little girl..who knew i was going to turn out this bad..and then i saw how everyday after work my dad would play with us, and mom would record. my mom doesn't even take a damn picture of my baby sister now, and dad is NEVER around, always working and wasting himself off...my sisters just watching TV all the time, and the baby just thirsty for attention..me..just all fucked up. what kind of family are we?!?